“There
were probably many factors that kept the relationship going and kept your love
alive. There were all his promises. "I promise this will never happen
again." You believed him the first time. And the second. As the abuse
continued, he became increasingly remorseful, his promises more insistent. You
continued to believe him; you wanted to believe him. After all, you loved him.
Then there were all the apologies. He seemed truly sorry. You forgave him. Now, however, when you think back, you realize the apologies were conditional. They blamed you! "I'm sorry, but if only you hadn't..." They always made his abuse somehow your fault. You may have begun to believe this, and you may even remember apologizing to him. You began to believe that if you were careful about what you said or did, you could prevent the abuse from happening again. As the abuse escalated over time, the blaming became more obvious. "I didn't mean to hurt you, but if you just weren't so [stupid, ugly, careless, dumb, etc.], this would never have happened." Time after time you were made to believe that every act of violence or abuse was your fault. Day after day you were made to feel that you were unworthy of him.”
Then there were all the apologies. He seemed truly sorry. You forgave him. Now, however, when you think back, you realize the apologies were conditional. They blamed you! "I'm sorry, but if only you hadn't..." They always made his abuse somehow your fault. You may have begun to believe this, and you may even remember apologizing to him. You began to believe that if you were careful about what you said or did, you could prevent the abuse from happening again. As the abuse escalated over time, the blaming became more obvious. "I didn't mean to hurt you, but if you just weren't so [stupid, ugly, careless, dumb, etc.], this would never have happened." Time after time you were made to believe that every act of violence or abuse was your fault. Day after day you were made to feel that you were unworthy of him.”
“The
abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable
expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His
attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return.
He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it
means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your
energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll
never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling
him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct
or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”
“An
abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to
him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled,
so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep
coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your
responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there
is nothing I can do to escape. I don't know where I would go if I did. I feel
utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prision. I entered of my own free
will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.”
