tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4235331100418488822024-03-08T16:31:45.798-08:00The Story of a Secondary SurvivorSecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-86567295850857285782014-12-08T05:14:00.001-08:002014-12-08T05:14:34.839-08:00Why they stay with abusive partners<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“There
were probably many factors that kept the relationship going and kept your love
alive. There were all his promises. "I promise this will never happen
again." You believed him the first time. And the second. As the abuse
continued, he became increasingly remorseful, his promises more insistent. You
continued to believe him; you wanted to believe him. After all, you loved him. <br />
<br />
Then there were all the apologies. He seemed truly sorry. You forgave him. Now,
however, when you think back, you realize the apologies were conditional. They
blamed you! "I'm sorry, but if only you hadn't..." They always made
his abuse somehow your fault. You may have begun to believe this, and you may
even remember apologizing to him. You began to believe that if you were careful
about what you said or did, you could prevent the abuse from happening again.
As the abuse escalated over time, the blaming became more obvious. "I
didn't mean to hurt you, but if you just weren't so [stupid, ugly, careless,
dumb, etc.], this would never have happened." Time after time you were
made to believe that every act of violence or abuse was your fault. Day after
day you were made to feel that you were unworthy of him.” </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“The
abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable
expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His
attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return.
He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it
means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your
energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll
never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling
him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct
or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“An
abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to
him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled,
so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep
coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your
responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there
is nothing I can do to escape. I don't know where I would go if I did. I feel
utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prision. I entered of my own free
will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.”</span></div>
SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-27193207545018317992014-09-29T12:27:00.001-07:002014-10-02T05:54:39.079-07:00A great article explaining marital abuse<div dir="ltr">
Anna is a woman in her 40s. She has been in a conflicted marriage for years. Her husband insists on morning sex, even though he knows it will make her late for work. She gives in to get it over with.</div>
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Tara, newly married, is upset because her husband has been having sex with her while she is asleep. She likes sex but doesn’t like to be waked to him penetrating her. He says she agrees in her sleep. She feels violated.</div>
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Caren is in her 30s. She feels she has no say about when and where she and her husband will have sex. He often refuses when she initiates. But he’ll get furious if she doesn’t immediately fall into bed (or the bushes) with him when he wants it. She gives in rather than have yet another fight about it.</div>
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Kayla, age 18, writes that her husband regularly slaps her around and then forces her to have sex saying that he just knows she loves it. She does love him. She doesn’t want to leave. But she honestly doesn’t love domination as part of sexual intimacy.</div>
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These women are all married. Is what their husbands are doing a form of rape? The simple answer is “yes.” It’s not what many people think of as rape. The man isn’t a stranger. He isn’t holding a gun to the woman’s head. He isn’t abducting her. But it is rape nonetheless. Rape is forced sex. He is getting off. She is getting violated.</div>
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Let’s go through those cases again. Rape is the word for forced or coerced sex. It is when the woman hasn’t had the opportunity to freely give consent or she is unable to give consent.</div>
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Anna’s needs aren’t being respected. Her husband is demanding sex despite the fact that it is inconvenient and not welcomed.</div>
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Tara is asleep! She wants to be awake, aware and
involved when she and her husband have sex. Being waked from a sound
sleep to penetration doesn’t feel loving or safe.<br />
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Caren feels coerced by the threat of yet another fight if she doesn’t give in.</div>
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Kayla is being physically hurt by the person who says he loves her.</div>
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Being married doesn’t change the social rules. Just because a woman said “I do” to marriage doesn’t mean that she has said “I do” to sex whenever, wherever, and however her husband wants it. Married sex, like all intimate, loving sex is consensual. It is a way that two people who love each other express love and caring and communicate tenderness. It is not one of the following situations:</div>
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Forced sex.This should be obvious. But some men have the mistaken idea that marriage changes the rules. It doesn’t. If a husband holds his wife down, pushes her, or imposes sex by hurting her, it’s rape. Making love doesn’t include making someone cry.</div>
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Sex when the wife feels threatened. If a husband forces sex through verbal threats of harm to the woman or to people or things she cares about or if he comes to her in a barely contained rage, she can’t consent. She can only comply rather than risk being harmed either physically or emotionally.<br />
Sex by manipulation.If a husband calls his wife names, accuses her of not being a good wife, or blackmails her emotionally by suggesting she’s so bad in bed that he will go elsewhere, he’s manipulating her. Some men even threaten to leave and take the kids with him if their wives don’t comply with demands for sex. When a wife falls for these tactics, it isn’t consent. It’s rape.</div>
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Sex when the wife can’t give consent.Loving sex is genuinely consensual. If a woman is drugged, asleep, intoxicated or unconscious, she obviously can’t give consent. Even if she says “yes” in such circumstances, the “consent” isn’t valid or truthful. She’s in no shape to consider the consequences or to participate as a willing partner.</div>
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Sex by taking a woman hostage.Some men keep themselves in a position of superiority by controlling all the money, by making contact with friends and family difficult to impossible, or by making sure there is no way for her to get transportation out of the house. The woman becomes a hostage in her own home. Like many hostages, she gives up and gives in to whatever he wants — including sex.</div>
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Sex when the woman feels she has no choice.Giving in isn’t the same as giving consent. When a woman feels that it’s just easier to give in to sex than to respect her own needs, she is being raped.</div>
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Let’s be clear: Being married doesn’t make any of the above situations okay. Wives do not belong to their husbands. Sex is not a “right” that goes with marriage. It is not a wife’s duty. A woman does not give up her right to say yes or no the day she gets married. Sex should be based on respect, equality, consent, caring, and clear communication.</div>
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No woman wants to feel like she’s living with a rapist. Good men don’t want to be one.</div>
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A couple can sometimes back away from hurtful sex on their own. But often, anger, disappointments and the emotional hurts that are the result of forced marital sex are so intense that it takes some specialized treatment to heal the relationship. If a couple wants to stay together in spite of an incident or pattern of marital rape, a couples therapist can help partners heal the hurts and develop a healthy way to be sexual with each other.</div>
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But if the husband refuses to take responsibility for inflicting emotional and physical pain and even feels justified in his actions, it may be that the only way for the wife to stop it is to leave. It may be frightening for the wife to cut loose, especially if she is financially and emotionally dependent on her husband. But sometimes it’s the only way to save herself.</div>
SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-51399696877088979572014-09-29T05:37:00.002-07:002014-10-01T06:32:04.738-07:00Partner Abuse Overview<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Some great resources on <a href="http://www.pandorasproject.org/">www.pandorasproject.org/</a> </span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">PARTNER RAPE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sexual abuse and assault happen in relationships
that may not be overtly abusive. However, partner rape itself is domestic
violence, and since it is an act of control, we shouldn't be surprised when it
coexists with other forms of abusive control. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">These might be any of the below: </span></div>
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abuse</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">
i.e. battery. Studies do indicate that the tendency toward partner rape
increases significantly in men who batter. (Bergen, R, Wife Rape:
Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage
Publications, California, 1996) Physical abuse also takes the form of
throwing objects, hurting pets, or pushing and shoving. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Emotional
Abuse</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">:
Putdowns, emotional blackmail, shaming, making jokes at your expense,
withdrawing affection as punishment, deliberately embarrassing you </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Mental
Abuse</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">:
Negative comments about your intelligence, "mind-games" such as
insisting something didn't happen when you know it did; calling you crazy
or trying to drive you crazy, "second-guessing" you. </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Social
Abuse</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">:
Insisting on accompanying you on all social outings or refusal to allow
you to go at all; isolating you from family and friends. </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Financial
Abuse</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">:
Insisting that you work in the family business for no money; preventing
you from earning your own money, making you account for every cent, giving
you an "Allowance", controlling any money you make. </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Spiritual
Abuse</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">:
Mocking your religion, insisting that you embrace his religion, preventing
you from going to church, distorting and quoting scripture to manipulate
you into submission </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Using
"Male Privilege</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">": Claiming the right to do as he pleases
while the same right doesn't extend to you because you're a woman. Male
privilege may also be a part of sexual assault; for example he may say
that as your husband, it's his right to have you whenever he wants you.</span></u></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If you've
experienced these other forms of abuse, you may have come to doubt your own
worth or sanity, and have little self-confidence. But just remember: These are
tactics that abusers use to control and intimidate. Whatever you may have come
to believe about yourself is a reflection of the abuse, not of truth. Please do
think about seeking help - you deserve much better. Nobody has the right to control
and hurt you. <br />
<br />
(Source: Easteal, P. And McOrmond-Plummer, L, <i>Real Rape Real Pain: Help for
Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partner</i>, Hybrid Publishers, Melbourne,
2006)<br />
<b><br />
TYPES OF PARTNER RAPE</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It's a common misconception that rape -
particularly partner rape - is about sex, rather than an act of power, control
and violence. Here are common types of partner rape (note: They are NOT excuses
for abuser behaviour, and just because an abuser is motivated by, say, power
one time doesn't mean he always is; I can clearly identify times when my
ex-partner was motivated either by power or by anger): </span></u></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Power
Rape:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">
This happens to "show her who's boss." Batterers often want sex
after beating their partners, and it's a means of forcing the woman to
forget the fight and make up. It may happen because she said no to sex, or
because she wants to leave. It may not be physically violent, but can
involve sufficient force to get what he wants. Power rape occurs also when
a woman is bullied or intimidated into giving in "to keep the
peace." </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Anger
Rape: </span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Anger
rape is often very violent and is carried out in retaliation when a man
perceives his partner "deserves" it - perhaps by calling his
masculinity into question. It might be a response to her leaving,
"flirting", showing him up in front of others. </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sadistic
Rape:</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">
Where an anger rapist hurts the woman to punish her, in sadistic rape the
abuser gets off on causing the pain, fear and humiliation. Cutting,
biting, burning, urinating upon the victim or other painful and humiliating
treatment characterizes sadistic rape.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Obsessive
Rape:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> If
you experienced sexual assault from a partner who was obsessed with
pornography or forced you into repeated sex-acts that were bizarre or
fetishistic in nature, this is characteristic of obsessive rape. It may
also be repeated and constant acts of anal or oral rape - something the
abuser is fixated with doing.</span></u></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Sources:</i> Finkelhor, D. and Yllo, K., <i>License
to Rape</i>, The Free Press, New York, 1985; Russell, Diana E.H. <i>Rape in
Marriage</i> MacMillan Publishing Company, USA 1990; Easteal, P. and
McOrmond-Plummer, L, <i>Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted
by Male Partners</i>, Hybrid Publishers, Melbourne, 2006) <br />
<br />
<b>COMMON WAYS THAT ABUSERS AVOID RESPONSIBILITY FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT </b></span></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Denial:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> Acting as if nothing out of
the ordinary happened, boldly stating that it didn't happen, calling you
crazy for saying that it did, saying he doesn't remember. </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Rationalization:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> "You must have wanted
it" "You could have stopped me," "A husband is
entitled to it"; Rationalization is also blaming you: " If you
gave me more sex I wouldn't have to force you" "You are a
cocktease" </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Minimization:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> I didn't really hurt
you" "You're making a fuss about nothing" "I just
wanted to make love to you." </span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Claiming
Loss of Control:</span></u></i><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> "I was too turned on to stop",
"You make me so angry" </span></u></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(Source: Easteal, P. And McOrmond-Plummer, L, Real
Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners, Hybrid
Publishers, Melbourne, 2006)<br />
<br />
If you identify with any of the above, please know that there is help
available. Don't be afraid to call domestic violence or sexual assault
services- also Pandora's Aquarium has many survivors of partner rape who will
gladly support you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 1; text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 24.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">For
Survivors of Marital / Partner Rape </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Have you
been forced into sex with your partner? Perhaps it involved you being beaten or
threatened with weapons, or your partner may have badgered you, withdrawing
affection or refusing to allow you to sleep until you give in. You may have
been drunk or drugged, or your partner set you up for gang-rape. Maybe it
happened many times, or maybe once - and once is once too many. Please know
that there is compassion and support available for you. At Pandora's Project,
we recognize the unique issues that survivors of sexual assault by an intimate
partner face. First, there is the fact that social attitudes often minimize
marital and partner rape and do not believe it constitutes a serious trauma.
Research, however, has shown that intimate relationships are one of the
commonest settings for sexual assault, that partner rape entails the highest
levels of repeated rape and physical injury, and that the trauma may be
longer-lasting than for survivors of other types of rape (please see <a href="http://www.pandorasproject.org/articles/partnerrapeoverview.html">this
page</a> for research and citations).<br />
<br />
<u>Ideas about what "real" rape is combined with other issues like
society being slow to name this problem and assumptions that being in a
relationship equals unlimited consent, means that survivors of partner rape,
even if they are traumatized, have a hard time recognizing that what happened
was rape.</u> This can delay healing and prolong danger for them. Some survivors,
however, unequivocally know that they were raped and struggle with frustration
at the lack of validation they receive - for example, church, family or friends
advise them that it isn't really rape, and to remain with the perpetrator. <br />
<br />
<u>Partner rape may happen in relationships that are otherwise respectful and
egalitarian, but it frequently does involve other forms of abuse and control -
please see <a href="http://www.pandorasproject.org/articles/partnerrapeoverview.html">this
page</a>.</u> People often don't realize that leaving can be extremely dangerous
for a woman who is being raped by her partner. The risk of more violence
including battery, rape and homicide escalates after separation.<br />
<br />
If you have been forced or coerced into sex acts with your partner, what is happening
to you is a crime. Please see <a href="http://www.aphroditewounded.org/definitions.html">this page</a> for
definitions of rape, sexual assault and sexual abuse. Please don't let anybody
minimize it. Just as importantly, even if you don't feel that what happened to
you can be called rape or sexual assault, if your partner is doing things to
you sexually that are causing you pain, you deserve to get support. <br />
<br />
What you may be feeling<br />
<br />
This is not an exhaustive list but what follows are some very common ways that
survivors of partner rape feel. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
You may be some years out of the relationship and still struggling to define
what happened to you. You may feel ashamed that you kept it secret for so long,
and wonder if you can call it rape so long after the fact. Some survivors
report "feeling like liars" in calling partner rape by it's name. <u>You
may be afraid that people will blame you because you remained in the
relationship after being sexually assaulted, or may say that it couldn't have
harmed you too badly</u>. You may be so traumatized that you've attempted to
forget about it but find that it emerges in nightmares or flashbacks. This may
be triggered by ongoing contact with the perpetrator via custody of children,
or attendance at the same school. If your partner presented as a good person
socially, others may not have believed you, or may have been hostile to you,
and you perhaps now feel that there's nowhere to turn. You may feel as if
you're "overreacting" by being upset by it. <br />
<br />
<u>If you are still living with the partner who sexually assaulted you, you may
feel isolated, frightened, deeply betrayed and hurt. You may feel reluctant to
call a partner you still love a rapist, or may feel as if you're committing a
betrayal by talking about it. You may be deeply ashamed and wonder what it is
you're doing wrong, or scared that others will blame you or demand that you
leave.</u> If you are contemplating leaving, you may be frightened for your
life (with good reason), or afraid that you will be a bad parent. You may be
afraid of seeking help, or you might squash your pain with drinking and drugs. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
These are all very normal reactions. It is important that you know that
whatever your situation is, you have the same right to healing and support as
any other survivor of rape. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
What does Pandora's Project offer survivors of marital and partner rape? <br />
<br />
Marital Rape researcher Raquel Kennedy Bergen found that what survivors of
partner rape most frequently want is support groups comprising other survivors
who have shared their experiences (Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of
Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996). Our
messageboard and chatroom, <a href="http://www.pandys.org/forums">Pandora's
Aquarium, </a>has many members who are survivors of partner rape. They will
make you very welcome and help you feel less alone - whether you are still in
the relationship or not. We have a forum for survivors of relationship violence
where people post about all sorts of situations - somebody has felt as you
feel. There are specific discussions for those who feel able to participate -
recent ones include:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Abusers
and their denial</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Relationship
Violence and pregnancy</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
weird things abusers do</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
adultery</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">How
has the physical violence effected you?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Mind
Games</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Why
do we stay?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
rape</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">You can post in this forum or anywhere else you
like. The forums are private and survivor-only. Please note that this isn't a
substitute for professional help, but is all about peer-support - or getting
you support from other people who have shared your experiences. Our chatroom is
safely moderated, and most forums are private and survivor-only. Please be sure
to read about <a href="http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=10">safety
online</a>, particularly if your abuser shares your computer. <br />
<br />
If you are in danger, we espouse a policy of safety first and we suggest that
you make use of <a href="http://www.pandorasproject.org/crisissupport.html">crisis
resources</a>. We hope that if you are in danger, you will find help to the
freedom you deserve. But nobody will tell you what to do, blame you or minimize
what happened to you. We are committed to offering quality peer-support for
survivors of partner rape. You can post as much or as little as you like, or
not at all - some survivors just feel comforted by reading the words of other
survivors. If you would like to know how to join Pandora's Aquarium, please see
<a href="http://www.pandorasproject.org/join.html">this page</a>.</span></div>
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SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-37359609451848831882014-09-29T01:52:00.001-07:002014-10-02T05:53:07.765-07:00Why did she stay with her abusive husband?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
hardest part of what I’m going through is hearing my beautiful girl question
why she stayed with him for so many years. The main reason she believes she stayed
with him are:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She feels she put her family through a lot
when she was forced to choose between him and them when she got married at a
younger age, feeling responsible for the pain he caused and feeling that she
had to do everything she could to make the marriage work.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She distanced her from the relationship,
doing what it took to please him and stop the abusive behaviour in him,
treating him as a friend. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She felt the only person being caused paid
was her and she could deal with it, she was committed to the marriage and to loving
him and tried everything to make it work. </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She
is coming to terms and asking herself the questions of why she stayed in the
relationship, I think this is a good thing, but at the same time it’s stirring
up old emotions that I don’t think she has dealt with before. She never saw
herself as a victim, and she does not see herself as a survivor. She knows he
was manipulative, but at the same time does not see him as an abuser. She still
defends his actions, and that’s the really hard part for me to see. It’s almost
like she is still trapped in it, and until she understands what happened to her
she will not be able to move on fully. She blames herself for staying in the
relationship but does not understand the physiology of what he did to her, to
keep her in the relationship. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To
put this into context here is some information from <a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/">www.mentalhelp.net</a> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Reasons for why people stay
in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called
"cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one
partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically
(cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning
to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an
arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or
only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage.
These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the
actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical,
emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. <u>If the cycle stopped here and stayed
constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse
for long periods of time.</u> However, shortly after the abusive event occurs,
the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. <u>The
abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the
victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her</u>. There may
be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide
the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a
parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special
privileges or gifts for the child victim. <u>Following the guilt and making up
stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are
good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships,
the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser
again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle
starts all over again.</u></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Though such cyclical abuse
is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the
relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context,
victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their
partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that
the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are
motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a
"one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good
aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the
guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the
relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a
relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when
really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the
rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don’t deserve any better” or “this
is the best relationship I’ve had in my life.” </span></u></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Victims may have any number
of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to
accept something that is merely "good enough."</span></u></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> They may believe that they will be
alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so
damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not
stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to
be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of
self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc. </span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Victims that do try to break
away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous
proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat
them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the
relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the
children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the
victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the
threatened suicide from happening. </span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The combination of internal
self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive
attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when
the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put.
Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being
abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become
abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue
forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death
(e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases). This truth is frequently
lost on both the abuser and the victim, however. </span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Throughout
all of this she could not see that he was abusing her, not violently, but
emotionally, mentally and sometimes sexually. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Domestic violence and abuse
are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total
control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt,
shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb.
Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. </span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Domestic violence and abuse
does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex
partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic
levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also
abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically
as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether
it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to
feel valued, respected, and safe. <a href="http://www.helpguide.org/">http://www.helpguide.org</a>
</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Abuse
is not always about violence, below is an extract from a great website helping
people get out of abuse relationships by sharing the experience of others. The
main part is to know you are not alone. You are not week for staying with an
abusive partner, you are strong for realising that it was wrong. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Although
I do not know the full story, both of the below feel like they are similar experiences
to what the love of my life went through. She has shared some information, but
at the same time I see it in the echo’s of her past and the way she reacts to
things. To give you an example; I may not hear her when she talks quietly, so I
say pardon, and she instantly apologises says she is sorry for mumbling. When
she goes out with friends, colleagues or family she walks back into the house
and expects an argument as this is what she experienced for years. If her mum
calls she apologises for being on the phone too long and worries how I will
react, the truth is, I’m so happy she has reconnected to her family and
friends. I see all of the past, and with time I will show her she can be
herself and I will never control her. My love for her is so strong and I can
see her for the beautiful soul she has. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">violenceunsilenced.com/katie/</span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">My marriage was an experiment. <u>I
was the proverbial frog in the cooking pot – it heated up so slowly that I
didn’t notice. That was, I didn’t notice until the blisters appeared on my
soul.</u> I finally escaped. With the help of some amazing people, I escaped.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">What follows is a typical day in
the life with my ex.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Saturday morning the alarm
doesn’t go off but I wake up early anyway. My husband, Joe, is still asleep so
I quietly creep out to the family room and settle on the couch to read my book.
About an hour later Joe comes out and looks at me.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Good morning,” I say, looking
up.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“What do you think you’re doing?
I’ve been laying in back there waiting for you to come back to bed.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I didn’t know you were up, I
wanted to let you sleep.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Yea, right” he growls, going
into the kitchen. He comes back with coffee and cereal and turns the TV on. I
get up, and he looks at me, “Where are you going now?”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“To get some coffee, do you need
anything else?” “Does it look like I do?” he yells, turning the TV up.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">After breakfast he goes into his
office and I clean up the kitchen, then jump in the shower. When I pull back
the curtain, he’s leaning against the sink, glaring at me. Startled, I ask
what’s wrong.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“You didn’t tell me you were
going to take a shower.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“You were working so I thought
I’d get ready to go to Sam’s club.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I would have taken a shower with
you.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I’m sorry, I just know that you
complain you always have to wait on me to get ready, I thought I’d get started
early.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“So you can complain about
waiting on me!” He screams.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Driving to the club, I turn
towards the store and he suddenly punches the dash board, “WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU’RE GOING?”</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Shocked, I say “To the club.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“You should’ve turned down the
next street. This one has too much traffic and too many lights.” “I’m sorry,” I
reply, “I’ll remember that for next time.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I hate it when he gets angry.
He’s never hit me but I’ve seen him destroy furniture, appliances and kick in a
door. I have no doubt he could easily kill.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">While shopping, he places an
expensive tool chest in the cart. He really doesn’t need it since he doesn’t do
much around the house.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Cringing, I look up, “We can’t
afford that right now.” “Why not?” he sighs.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“The car payment and utilities
are due.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“So what happened to all our
money!”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Bills and groceries.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I think I need to take over
managing our money.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I’ve tried to go over our budget
with you before but . . .”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Oh, alright, as always I never
get anything I want and we have to do whatever you say!”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">At home, I start cleaning,
wearing my iPod, when he runs into the room, screaming at me. I take the buds
out of my ears and say “What?”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I’ve been calling you for ten
minutes. Don’t wear that around the house, it’s like you’re going around with
your fingers in your ears saying ‘Nanana, I can’t hear you!’”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“What did you need?”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Nothing now, since I had to come
upstairs.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Later, fixing dinner, he comes in
the kitchen just as I spill a can of tomatoes.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Hey klutzy.” I look up and tell
him not to call me names.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“It was just a joke, you’re too
sensitive -and you have no sense of humor.” He takes over the dinner
preparations and, when I ask him to go careful on the spicy, he just smiles,
and tells me not to worry, it will be great. Of course it’s not, it’s so spicy
I can’t eat much. After, I start cleaning up and he tells me to do it later and
come in to watch a movie. Tired from the day and not wanting another argument,
I sit down on couch. After the first movie, he says we’re going to watch one
more. He won’t answer me when I ask what movie, just looks at me and says it’s
a surprise. I immediately realize it’s Hannibal. I tell him I’m not watching
this. He looks incredulous, and asks why.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I hate this movie. I’m going to
go to our room to read.” “You don’t hate this, you’re just trying to avoid me.”
“That’s not true,” I reply, as I walk back to the room.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">After the movie he comes back and
wakes me up, “We have to talk.” “I was asleep.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“You can go back to sleep easily.
Are we ever going to have sex again?”</span></u></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“I’m not talking about this now.”</span></u></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Maybe I should just go somewhere
else to get it!”</span></u></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> he yells. I look at him shocked.
Through clenched teeth, he adds, “Maybe I should just force you.” Then stomps
out of the room slamming the door.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I turn over to go back to sleep.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Domestic
Abuse is not just about violence, is abuse, mental, emotional and sexual. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">violenceunsilenced.com/soph/</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Not only did he bruise me with tv
remotes, his shoes (gee, he loved throwing those things!) one time a hair gel
container… anything in his reach really. <u>But he also specialized in the
‘words’ that all abusers use…. “You’re just lucky I’m here. nobody else would
stay around”; “you should be grateful i tell you how to improve yourself”;
“nobody will ever love you as much as i do”; “you’re a liar- that never
happened”; “you’ve got a bloody good imagination… always making things up”;
“well if you didn’t do that i wouldn’t have reacted like that”; “it’s because
of you that i act like this.. you make me so mad”.</u></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I also endured the relentless
hawk’s eye… i couldn’t go to the toilet without him saying “where are you
going”; the phone rings “who is it?…. okay you can talk to your sister but only
for 5 minutes, but she’s not coming over”.</span></u></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I also had the relentless task of
oral stimulation</span></u></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> & hideously painful 3 minute
penetration <u>to relieve this man of his ‘natural urges’ and always being told
“it doesn’t matter where i get my appetite- as long as i eat at home” at the
end.</u></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<u><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Domestic violence doesn’t make
sense. It can be small and quiet. It can be a look, a deep sigh, a turn of the
head, it can be loud smashing noises, booming voices, fists thrown, heads
bashed.</span></i></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I don’t
know if I should help her see the relationship for what it was, or let her
leave it in the past knowing that she still blames herself for what happened. I
will have to trust my heart and guide her through everything in the best way I
can. If you know someone that has been abused, love them, support them, and
make sure you get the support you need to deal with these emotions. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-58377517454649395442014-09-26T01:24:00.003-07:002014-09-26T12:36:19.988-07:00Dealing with my emotionsLast night I had my first counselling secession. I have to say it was both traumatic and liberating. I now know what is happening to me and although none of the emotions have gone, I know this is the first step in dealing with this. <br>
<br>
I'm feeling the trauma as if it was happening to me and I'm feeling the anger my partner cannot express towards her abuse ex husband. I think that's called cognitive transference and is experienced a lot by therapists and social workers when they are dealing with abuse survivors.<br>
<br>
But the major thing is that I have PTSD. Below is an extract from a website that details the symptoms and I've underlined the ones that I can relate to. I've started to control the anger and rage I've been feeling, the first part was to write down and express my emotions, I also starting the gym more to help remove the hormones that are in my body as a result of feeling angry. The one technique I have is to try to push the visual memories my mind has constructed as far away into the distance as possible, I have the next secession booked next week.<br>
<br>
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<br>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">What is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Post-traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens
your safety or <u>makes you feel helpless.</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Most
people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the
most common cause in men—<u>but any overwhelming life experience can trigger
PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable. </u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Post-traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the
catastrophe, those who witness it, <u>and those who pick up the pieces
afterwards</u>, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. <u>It
can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the
actual trauma.</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">PTSD
develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most
commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can
sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Traumatic events that can lead to PTSD include:</span></b></div>
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<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; width: 50.0%;" valign="top" width="50%">
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">War</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Natural
disasters</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Car
or plane crashes</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Terrorist
attacks</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sudden
death of a loved one</span></li>
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<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; width: 50.0%;" valign="top" width="50%">
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Rape</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Kidnapping</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Assault</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sexual
or physical abuse</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Childhood
neglect</span></li>
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<td colspan="2" style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-left: 11.25pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Or any shattering event that leaves you stuck and
feeling helpless and hopeless </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-left: 11.25pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
</td>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="normal_reaction"></a><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The difference between PTSD and a
normal response to trauma </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so
overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a
traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of
PTSD. When your sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel
crazy, disconnected, or numb. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel
fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. <b>These
are normal reactions to abnormal events.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">For most
people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days
or even weeks, but they gradually lift. But if you have post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better
each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you
become stuck</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">After a
traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense
of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological
shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are
disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your
memories and emotions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="signs"></a><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Signs and symptoms of
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can arise suddenly,
gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of
the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of
the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a
smell. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br>
While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of
symptoms: </span></div>
<ol start="1" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Re-experiencing the
traumatic event (although I never witnessed it I have a strong mental
image)</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Avoiding reminders of the
trauma</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Increased anxiety</span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> and emotional arousal</span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic
event </span></b></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l6 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Intrusive, upsetting
memories of the event</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l6 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Flashbacks (acting or
feeling like the event is happening again)</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l6 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nightmares (either of the
event or of other frightening things)</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l6 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Feelings of intense distress
when reminded of the trauma</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l6 level1 lfo4; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Intense physical reactions
to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea,
muscle tension, sweating)</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing</span></b></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo5; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Avoiding activities, places,
thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo5; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Inability to remember
important aspects of the trauma</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo5; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Loss of interest in
activities and life in general</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo5; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Feeling detached from others
and emotionally numb</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo5; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sense of a limited future </span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional
arousal</span></b></div>
<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo6; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Difficulty falling or
staying asleep</span></u></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l3 level1 lfo6; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Irritability or outbursts of
anger</span></u></li>
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SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-423533110041848882.post-13376121301591079242014-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:002014-12-12T01:22:35.534-08:00An open letter to her abusive ex-husband from a secondary survivor.<h1>
</h1>
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Dear Abuser,</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You know who you are; there is no
need to identify you. You justify your actions in various ways, but the
end result was all the same. You abused your wife over many years.
I’m here to share my side of the story in the hope this helps others that
have experienced abuse from a loved one, from a trusted partner, from a
husband, and helps those secondary survivors that are doing all they can to
support their loved one. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I’m writing this open letter as a
way to express my feelings and emotions. I’ve been with my beautiful
girlfriend for a year and over that time she has entrusted me with details and
emotions from her past, a past with you, where you caused pain through
manipulation, mental and sexual abuse. Throughout all of this I don’t see
her as a victim; in fact I have an overwhelming sense of pride for her. I
see the courage she has and through all that you put her thought. She has
retained her kind heart and gentile soul; through you she found strength and
fought for a better life. She is a true inspiration to me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Although some of these events
happened years ago, for me they feel real as if they had happened recently, as
if they are happening today, right now. You really hurt more people than
you will ever know. Before I get into this letter much more, I want you
to know you can’t take anything from those you force yourself on. You
will never have any control over me, or her ever again. Most importantly,
you can’t take my love for her away, no matter what you try and do. You
will never be able to give her the love I give her. What you took from
her over the years amounted to nothing but a reflective stab into your own gut,
psyche, and self-worth. She is beautiful inside and outside, and inside
you’re ugly and evil. You probably hurt yourself more than anyone in this
equation. Her family, her friend and I all know you as the abusive excuse
of a man that you are; <u>you have no power over us</u>. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Here’s my side:</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I am a regular guy, I work hard in
my career and I care deeply about my friends and family. I’m not perfect
and I don’t pretend that I am. I know that life is about learning and
developing to have a positive contribution to society. I’m old enough to
have seen and experienced a lot in my life, I still see the beauty in life and every
situation. I have an overwhelming desire to protect loved ones, I will do
whatever it takes to make sure they are ok and protect them from the evil in
this world, it's who I am, it’s who I was born to be. You see, I also
have emotional issues that stem from experiences in my past and failed
relationships. I take things too personally and I hurt when I see others
hurt. I guess I’m empathic, sometimes to my own detriment taking on
others emotions, who knows, that is not important right here. What’s
important is you use your past as an excuse to justify your actions and this is
wrong; you need to see this for yourself.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I have to admit I don’t know all of
the details, but I know enough to form a picture of what you are like and what
you put her through. So the exact details may be inaccurate, but the
emotions you caused are very real, the emotions she experienced are genuine.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
From the very start of your
relationship you tried to take her power away, you manipulated a shy,
self-conscious, young girl and forced her to choose between you and her
family. From the start you tried to control her with your narcissistic
tendencies. You intentionally pressured her and created a wedge between
the people that she loved, creating a distance and hurting so many people.
Throughout your entire relationship you manipulated her and used her love
for you against her. You got angry at her after she went to see friends
and family; she dreaded returning home to you due to the way you played yourself
as the victim to make her feel guilty. You got angry if she took phone calls
from friends and family. You twisted every word making her angry and
thinking she was going crazy, you wanted her to lose control of herself so you
could control her. You blamed her for all of your faults and issues; you never
took ownership for the wrongs you committed. You made her life a living hell.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
See what you don’t realise is that
she loved you without question and would have done (and did) everything she
could to make you happy, but you never really loved her; you used and abused
her, and her love for you. You thought you loved her, but you just needed
someone to control so you felt powerful, someone to abuse so you felt better
about being a pathetic waste of space, a worthless individual with no
self-esteem. Throughout all of this you acted as if the world owed you
something, always wanting to get your own way, feeling that the world was
standing against you. The truth is you already had the most precious
gift, a loving wife that loved you unconditionally, and you through all that
away. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Not only did you cheat on her
numerous times and made her feel worthless, you forced yourself on her by
making her feeling sexually inadequate by telling her lies about your past
sexual experiences so she felt pressured to sleep with you when you first got
together. But this was just the start of your manipulation and it was
just the first time you committed sexual assault through cohesion, the first
time you committed marital rape.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Some of the things she felt due to
your narcissistic abuse included:</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Feeling guilty for “making” the narcissist feel
the way you did</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Chronically confused about your sudden changes
in behaviour</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Frequently exhausted from never knowing what
might happen next</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Feeling like she had to “walk on eggshells” to
avoid “rocking the boat”</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Always apologizing for “never doing things
right” although it was never her fault</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Trying to keep a low profile to avoid being
noticed</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Blaming herself for never doing things well
enough</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Never completely trusting their partner</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Never feeling respected or equal in the
relationship</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Always worrying about their performance in any
role, including in the bedroom</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Often wondering if it’s ok if they phone or meet
with friends or family</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Having to ask permission to do anything</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Not being able to give their opinion for fear of
being chastised</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Never being able to win any argument as you believe
you are never wrong</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Always attempting to “try harder” to make things
better</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Chronically feeling empty and living life in a
daze</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Periodically have suicidal thoughts and one
attempts that I am aware of</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Wishing for “someday” when things will change,
but someday never comes</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Often wondering how they got into this situation
to begin with</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Always being told everything is their fault</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Taking their partner’s advice, although their
gut tells them not to</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Feeling like they’re living a lie – that the
outside world sees them one way, while the inner reality is definitely
something entirely different </div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Rarely feeling like their needs are being met or
even acknowledged</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Never doing anything unless their partner says
it’s ok </div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Her friends and family told them she was being
abused, but she just could not see it, always hoping things would get better</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Often wishing they would have never gotten into
this mess to begin with and now don’t know how to get out </div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Frequently feeling numb or depressed</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>They no longer know who they really are</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>May end up looking like the “crazy one” in the
relationship</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
All of this is the direct result of
your abuse and manipulation. This is who you are as a person, this is what you
caused; a life of pain and anxiety. Throughout your whole relationship she was
pressured into sexual acts with you, with you always taking what you wanted and
never considering what she needed, everything had to be your way. Through
manipulation and cohesion by making her feel guilty you made her go through
with sexual acts. She submitted to you to stop the arguments, the sighs
and emotional abuse. This is not the same as consent, what you did was
commit marital rape throughout your relationship. In simple terms “Coercion
is a tactic used by perpetrators to intimidate, trick or force someone to have
sex with them without physical force. Coercion is used as a means of forcing
someone to do something that they do not want to do, a way to control them.
This is an issue of power and control. When coercion is used to convince a
person to have sex or engage in sexual activities when they not want to do
so, this is sexual assault, as defined by the law. You raped your wife and
forced her to be raped by strangers, you should be in prison for your crimes, </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You used her love for you against
her; you used her values of what a loving wife should be, to use her and
expected her to do everything you wanted. If you had any decency in you,
you would have seen the pain and suffering you were causing and stopped.
A woman does not have to say no, fight back or struggle for it to be
rape. Emotional abuse and manipulation used to force someone against
their wishes and what they feel is right is simply not acceptable, this is not
normal and no one should have to go through that. You need to see
yourself for the despicable acts you committed, the evil manipulative and narcissistic
person that you still are today.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Your sick perversions, fantasies
and manipulation resulted in you forcing her to carry out sexual acts with
strangers while you watched, videoed and then joined in. She tried to
tell you she did not want to do it; she threw herself down the stairs to get
out of it. But she loved you without questions and went through with your
sordid fantasy because she loved you and you forced her to do so through
coercion, because she felt it was the only way to show how much she loved you
and to make you happy after you manipulated her to get your own way. You forced
your wife to be raped. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
After the first time she felt
obligated to do it the second time, too scared of you to tell you the truth
after years of emotional abuse. This says more about the bad husband you
where, than who she is. She hated herself for it, but went through with
it as she felt it was only her body and it would not affect anyone else.
You made her feel that it was the only way to make you happy; you
betrayed her love and her trust. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
When she finally plucked up the
courage to confront you, you used veiled excuses about your past for why this
all happened, you blamed her for not saying no. But the simple fact is
she submitted herself, giving her body to strangers to make you happy against
what she knew to be right, going against what she believed in. She had to
get herself drunk as a way to escape what you wanted to put her through.
She tried to distance herself from it and the emotions of guilt and low
self-worth that this caused, the desire to kill herself to get away from the
pain you caused. Thinking life was not worth living, but at the same time
not wanting to hurt her family that had already been hurt so much. You caused
all of this when you coerced her to perform sexual acts with strangers.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
So just to be clear:</div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Silence: Silence is never consent. If a person
does not verbally say no, it does not mean that they mean yes. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Consent is not assumed: It is never acceptable to
assume that consent is given. Each one of us is responsible for making sure we
have consent in every sexual situation. If you are unsure, it is important to
clarify what your partner is feeling about the sexual situation. Consent can
never simply be assumed. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Being drunk: Alcohol consumption can render a
person incapable of giving consent. Alcohol is often used as a weapon to target
individuals and is used by perpetrators to excuse their own actions, but
Criminal Sexual Conduct laws apply to a perpetrator regardless of whether or
not they were drinking. It is important to remember that sexual assault
is never the survivor's fault, regardless of whether they may have
been intoxicated.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Marriage: Even in marriage, consent can never be
assumed. Marital rape does exist, and it is just as severe as any other sexual
assault. There are marital rape laws that make a sexual assault in a marriage a
crime. Marriage is not consent.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>A person has the right to change their mind at
any time. Prior consent does not give the right to sexual acts in the future. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You are a rapist.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
It’s a sick world when she did what
you wanted against her own wishes, and she felt guilty about cheating on you;
even though you forced them and the experience on her while you got off on
videoing it. The emotions she experienced after the event are those of a
rape victim. She has had professional help and got herself through very
difficult times. I’m so proud of how she has dealt with everything; she
truly is a special person. The journey is not over; she now understands that
she was raped, although she cannot use that word outside of therapy. She has
the strength to face what happened to her and deal with the resulting emotions
that you caused. She is unpicking all of the damage you caused.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I’ve read many stories about people
that have gone through similar experiences and I’m overwhelmed by her strength
to put this in the past, leave you and move on to a better future, a future she
has always deserved, a future full of real, unconditional love. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
The hardest part for me is knowing
that she was living a life of in a daze due to how you treated her. She showed
all the signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist. She withdrew from
her family living two lives and never feeling that life was real. You kept her
in your spell although she felts she was walking on eggshells every moment she
spent with you. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is
defined as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their
own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic
personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little
regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence
lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. Without a
doubt this describes you and your actions, but this is not an excuse for what
you put her through.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<b>Two the two men involved:</b> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
There is no excuse for your
actions, she may not have said no, she may not have struggled or put up a
fight, but as she was unable to give consent due to the alcohol she consumed to
get through the experience and she did not want sex with you, and you are both
rapists. You can never justify to me or her, that you did not see in her
eyes that she did not want to have sex, you cannot tell me that you did not
realise what you were doing was wrong. But you did not care, you just
wanted you own sexual gratification and did not give a fuck about how she felt
about it. You both raped her, going along with her partners requests.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Although these acts were years ago,
you know what happened was wrong, it was rape under every legal definition as
she was unable to give consent due to the consumption of alcohol. This is
evident in the way you tried to communicate with her afterwards when you
emailed her, trying to forge a relationship and seek forgiveness through
thinking she was ok about it. While she responded to you and tried to humanise
you to forget the beasts that you are and the devastating experiences she was
put through. You both wanted to rescue her from her abusive husband, but
you are also abusers. You tried to add her on Facebook as a friend to
take away your own guilt at what happened, both of you knew she was in an
abusive relationship and tried to get her out of it, you both know what you did
was wrong, but you did it anyway. I don’t understand how you could do the
things you did and then try to make amends to south your own soul’s, you should
not forget the pain and horror you caused her. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
The truth is you will have to live
with the guilt of this for the rest of your lives. Let me tell you now,
if you attempt to contact her in anyway every again or make her feel any more
pain, I will ensure your friends, loved ones and family see you for the
disgusting act of sexual assault you committed. I know who you are, I
know where you live, I know your family and friends and how to contact all of
them, but I also understand it is not my place to get involved and seek
retribution and justice, no matter how much I need it, no matter how much I
want it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I will leave you to rot in your own
guilt as long as you leave her alone forever, and never make her relive the
pain she experienced due to you, your actions and your abuse when you raped her.
Just don’t push me. You have no idea of what I will do to protect
my beautiful princess. I will not break the law, but I have the power and
ability to destroy your life, your relationships and your family by showing
them who you really are and the despicable acts you committed years ago. Just
like you destroyed her life for many years, hurt her family and friends, and
hurt me, I will destroy you and your life. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
But as I said before she is a
survivor not a victim, she has come through this stronger and with a heart full
of compassion and love. I want to leave the past in the past and move on, so
don’t bring this up with her in anyway.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<b>I am what they call a secondary
survivor</b>:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
That’s what they told me anyways.
I am sure there are other labels and they say I'm suffering from PTSD.
The last thing I want to do is to speak for my girlfriend and tell you
how you made her feel. I am not sure anyone who hasn’t been in that
situation will ever fully know. I can only make assumptions based on what
we have discussed and the emotions I see in her as a result of your actions.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
It’s often harder in some respects
for a secondary survivor as an onlooker to the emotions and pain, the intense
emotions of anger and helplessness that we feel. We create pictures in
our minds of what happened, and have so many questions we know we cannot and should
not ask. But this is what I’ve experienced and what I have seen, images I
never wanted in my mind. I’ve seen this beautiful girl cry and blame
herself. I’ve heard about the emotions she felt that are those of a
person that has been in an abusive relationship and been subjected to rape.
Through therapy she can now see the acts as rape, and she no longer blames
herself. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Over the years with you she gained
the strength to forge a life for herself, even when you made her feel guilty
and got angry when she went to see friends and family. She had the
courage and strength of conviction to know that life had more to offer than an
abusive husband and relationship. I don’t know all of the details of your
past together and I’m not sure it’s right for me to know. All of that is
now in the past, what I do know is that I will spend every day loving her with
all of my heart and making sure she knows how beautiful and special she is.
I will give her the life and future she has always deserved, the future
you tried to take away from her. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
From the moment I met her over a
year ago I feel in love with her, I saw her beauty, not only in her looks, the
way she moves, the way she holds herself, the way she talks and smiles. I
could instantly see the pure heart and compassionate soul she has, I knew I
found my soul mate, and that one day this girl, will be the girl that I marry
and vow to protect and honour her with everything I say and with every action
(something you should have lived up to "your marriage vows"). I
love her with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take and with every
day my love for her grows stronger. I know what I have found in her is
extraordinary and I will never disrespect or mistreat the loves she has for me.
What is important to me is this beautiful woman, the beautiful woman that
you manipulated, raped and forced to commit sexual acts against her will.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
We’ve vowed to share everything
together and grow as a couple. But what you did, that stuff really hurts
people, and it killed me, it ripped my heart in two knowing want you put her
through. How could you abuse someone’s love like that? How could
you be so fucking selfish and self-centered that you felt all of this was ok?
There is no excuse for your actions, you need to grow the fuck up and
take responsibility for the pain you cause and your actions, and you are to
blame for your actions, no one else. The world owes you nothing, you are
worthless, you have no rights to control others and make them feel pain, and I
will not let you do that. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I know you think she cheated on you
with me, but the truth is you destroyed your relationship through your actions
years ago. To harm someone’s identity for so many years to get your own
kicks, to take her control away as a way of dealing with your own low
self-esteem issues. We started to date each other and she explained her situation,
and I did what it took to get her away from you, I would never break up a happy
marriage, but your relationship was over years ago, from the day you first
abused her. I want you to know that she is stronger than you will ever be.
The amazing person she has always been. That she knows how to love,
and that she deserves to be loved. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You missed a great girl. If
you had used your marriage and truly loved her, you would have experienced a
world beyond your wildest dreams. I know your loss as I now know what it
is like to be loved unconditionally by this beautiful woman, something you had,
but you destroyed through your action, abuse, manipulation and hurtful words.
The thought of losing her kills me and knowing that you have lost her,
and I hope it kills you. Part of me feels sorry for you, but this is only
a very small part. Her love for me makes me stronger; she gives me
courage and motivation to take on this world. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You now have to face this world
alone and more importantly face up to the abuse person you are, take a long
hard look in the mirror and I guarantee you will not like what you see.
Look deep into your own eyes and you will see the evil self-centered narcissistic
person that you are.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
We never cheated on you, the truth
is she had checked out of your relationship years before and was building a
life for herself and building up the courage to leave you for good. She
encouraged you to get a job so she would feel less guilty about breaking away
from you. It’s a sign of the pure, caring heart that she has. That
even after your abuse, she feels responsible for you. I had nothing to do
with this, but at the end I gave her a place to realise she was worth so much
more than the way you treated her. I showed her true love and she made
the final steps to kick you out of the house and start the divorce proceeding.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
The money she gave you to make you
go away was just that. A payment to get you out of her life for good so
she could move on, look hard at yourself and know that the truth is you owe her
thousands of pounds for the debts you ran up and left her with as you felt the
world owed you things that you had not earned. Let alone what you owe her
for years of not working while she was working two jobs to try to put food on
your table, so you did not starve. The cheek that you wanted her to give
you extra money so you could afford to go on holiday with your new girlfriend
next year, in reality you owe her so much more than money. When I heard
about you wanting money for a holiday, I wanted to kill you, you really are a
pathetic self-centered excuse of a man. She now sees the past for what it was,
at the time she was still victim of your abuse and that is why she paid you the
money. She knows you never deserved it, you never earned and legally you were
not entitled to a penny. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
The debt you owe here can never be
repaid. You will understand this when your time has come and you spend eternity
in hell for your actions and abuse. You owe her a happy life; you need to
leave her alone now. If you see us or her out, you need to turn and walk
the other way and hang your head in shame for what you did. I have no hesitations
in getting a restraining order against you, I have already been in touch with
the authorities in preparation. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I just hope for your new
girlfriend’s sake you have learned and not to abuse her in the same way you
treated your wife for years, I know she has already moved in with you. If
I hear about any abuse I will get the authorities involved as I could not
forgive myself if I let this happen to anyone else. As it stands I have made an
official complaint that will ensure if anything is reported in the future they
will contact me for additional evidence of your abusive tendencies. It
makes me sick that there are people in this world like you. Depraved,
damaging, egotistical people that the world is better off without. I’m
not going to threaten you, but if you don’t leave us alone I will hold up a
mirror to you so you can see the sick pervert that you are. You have no
idea in the strength of my conviction for justice and to protect my beautiful
princess from you. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
While she is strong and has really
moved in a positive direction from all of this, I unfortunately have had a
tougher time. You didn’t take anything from her, always remember that.
But she confided in me, told me her darkest secrets and fears. You
isolated me. You made me feel alone. I can’t talk to friends about
how I feel. I can’t do anything but secretly seek help from professionals
who really don’t know me. It is nice to talk with them, they give good
guidance, and I’m learning to deal with the rage that I feel for you, but they
don’t know me. I feel terrible for seeking help for how I feel. My
instinct says I am being a baby for victimizing myself, that this has nothing
to do with me and that I should be a rock and instead I am clouded and strung
up by pain and fear. I feel trapped by your actions. I will never
forgive you for that, or how you made her feel for years. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
But at the end of the day, this
girl is unbelievably strong. Most importantly she is unbelievably beautiful, in
ways you will never know. She makes me stronger, she is my world. Its
great watching her rebuild her relationships with her family that are amazing
and supportive. She has a closer connection with her friends and life in general.
You took so much away from her for so many years.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
So here’s my conclusion for you.
I said I wasn’t perfect a little earlier in this note. I was lost
in my own regard for some years before I met this beautiful woman. She
loves and is loved. I am so lucky I met her. She is the best thing
that ever happened to me. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
When you get older, you will
certainly remember everything you did and finally take responsibly for your
actions. I know you have already felt some pain, but even when you threw
yourself out of the window threatening to kill yourself, this wasn’t a cry for
help, it was to make her feel guilty so she would stay with you. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
When you shared about how your
parents had sex in front of you when you were young and you and your sister
watched porn together. That was just to make her feel sorry for you, so
she felt guilty for being upset; you used it as an excuse to be an abusive
husband and rape your wife. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
You pretended to seek professional
help, not to improve who you are, but as a way to try to keep her in your life,
pretending you wanted to change. You never wanted to change, you think
you are perfect and everyone else is wrong. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Even now you don't realise the sick
person that you are. I believe you attempted suicide is admittance of guilt, a
small part of you knows how evil you are, either that or you tried to punish
her even more, if that’s the case you really are a sick man. You knew
then, and you know now that want you did was commit marital rape and forced her
to be raped by two strangers while you watched. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I just hope that empty spot in your
soul, the empty spot you created yourself and you alone are responsible for,
never heals. And I pray you never put anyone else through this again. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
Finally, thank you. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart for fucking that up. We are using this
experience to bond and grow together. We are stronger as individuals and
as a couple because of you. And she is my hero. Your abuse over the
years empowered her to seek the life she deserves, to stand up for what she
believes in and stand up to you and take back control of her life. Kind
of weird the way the world works. Life is beautiful, people need to be
hopeful. I hope you come around and see who you really are. I
really do. In the meantime I will be exploring this beautiful thing
called life with the most beautiful woman in the world. Again, thank you
for making that possible.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
With true concern,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
A Secondary Survivor</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
If you know someone that is a
victim or survivor of abuse you need to prepare yourself how to react to the situation.
I made a few mistakes as I let my emotions take control, you need to seek
support for yourself so you can support them effectively.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Support you can offer:</b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>It can be useful to ask "how can I
help?" or "Is there anything you need from me right now?"</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Listen to her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Believe her. It is important to believe her even
if what she's telling you seem hard to comprehend. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Tell her you are glad she could tell you about
it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Respect that she may need to focus solely on
herself and her needs for a while.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Let her know you are there for her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Reassure her that you are there to talk to if
she wants to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Allow her to make her own decisions.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Support the choices she makes.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Recognize the harm that was done to her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Realise that her feelings are ok.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Respect her need to express these feelings.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Let her choose which family members or friends
she wishes to disclose to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
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</span></span></span>Ask how best to support her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Acknowledge your limits.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Respect her privacy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Be patient.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Respect that her healing may take time, space
and energy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Let her talk. Survivors often need to go over
things many times, allow space for this.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>If she starts to say "If only I
hadn't..." or "I should have..." remind her that the responsibility
for the assault lies with the perpetrator and it was not her fault.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Try to avoid:</b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Ignoring what has happened to her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Taking charge or being over-protective.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Pressing for details of the assault.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Insisting she report to the police if she
doesn't want to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Making threats against the abuser.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Sympathising with the abuser.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Blaming, accusing or judging her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Telling anyone else about what happened without
her permission.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Offering support beyond your limitations.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Expecting her to deal with your feelings.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Telling her "it's over now, get on with
life". </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Pressuring her to access counselling when she
doesn't want to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Asking too many questions.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 18.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-themecolor: text2;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Jumping into rescue mode. Providing options too
early can often be overwhelming.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
I found myself asking why she
stayed with him for many years. I found this great explanation online that
helped me understand. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
“There were probably many factors
that kept the relationship going and kept your love alive. There were all his
promises. "I promise this will never happen again." You believed him
the first time. And the second. As the abuse continued, he became increasingly
remorseful, his promises more insistent. You continued to believe him; you
wanted to believe him. After all, you loved him. <br />
<br />
Then there were all the apologies. He seemed truly sorry. You forgave him. Now,
however, when you think back, you realize the apologies were conditional. They
blamed you! "I'm sorry, but if only you hadn't..." They always made
his abuse somehow your fault. You may have begun to believe this, and you may
even remember apologizing to him. You began to believe that if you were careful
about what you said or did, you could prevent the abuse from happening again.
As the abuse escalated over time, the blaming became more obvious. "I
didn't mean to hurt you, but if you just weren't so [stupid, ugly, careless,
dumb, etc.], this would never have happened." Time after time you were
made to believe that every act of violence or abuse was your fault. Day after
day you were made to feel that you were unworthy of him.” </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
“The abusive man’s high entitlement
leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the
relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For
each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote
herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her
children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your
partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for
long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t
believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet
his responsibilities.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
“An abuser can seem emotionally
needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a
bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much
you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more
demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel
drained down to nothing.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
“I am living in hell from one day
to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don't know where I
would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prison. I
entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
There is a lot of advice available
online, before you make any judgements please research what they went through
before you react. It is essential you are in the right place to be able to
support her recovery. </div>
</div>
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<![endif]-->SecondarySurvivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18090786140918786110noreply@blogger.com0